If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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