Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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