guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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