fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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