If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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