Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
