Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
