My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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