I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
