She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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