Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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