Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
