i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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