gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
