she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
