Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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