Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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