apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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