It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
