I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
