Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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