At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
