Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
