So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
