WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
