That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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