Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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