you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Someone shattered a urinal.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I need to calm my uterus...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
