"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
