good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
