Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
