I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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