Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
