I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
