Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
