I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize