I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
