I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
