I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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