Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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