Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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