My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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