did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
