You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
