Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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