Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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