I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
