I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
