if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
