guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just pee around me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize