I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
