I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
