Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
